Surrender

“Let go and let God.” This is such a cliché saying and honestly, I don’t care for cliché but in this particular situation I see truth. Throughout my life I lived like a “good” Christian. I did the things that I was supposed to, for the most part, and to any observers I was on the right track. I knew how to pray, I knew enough scripture to talk and teach the right stuff, I listened to the right music, I said the right things. My focus was on doing the things that I should do and not doing the things that I shouldn’t do. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with living like that. In fact, I would argue that it is a righteous way to live. The issue was that I was focused on ME doing the right or wrong things and not on letting Christ work in and through me.

I spent the first 20 years of my life practicing “I need to” Christianity. On the outside things were good for me. I had my life together and I was in control, or so it seemed. Internally I knew what I really was -- nothing. I felt insecure, weak, helpless, and fake. This brings me to my sophomore year of college. My 2017-2018 school year was a time of major growth in my life. I went into that year in a brand-new student leadership role at Messiah College. I was a member of the Loft team, which is a group that does leadership development and team building for the other student leadership groups and the sports teams on campus. I remember starting that year with a feeling of inadequacy. I was expected to lead the other student leaders, helping them grow in their leadership: “Who am I to lead these people that I look up to?” I had to lead a bible study for other students: “Who am I to teach scripture; I’m not holy enough?” I was expected to lead the members of the Messiah sports teams: “Who am I that these talented people, would they really listen to me?” I struggled with my role. A lot. I did not feel that I was “enough.” I was not confident, I was not talented, I was not wise, I was not cool, I was not spiritual, I was not good enough. These were the things that I told myself daily. I knew that I was not enough and I had no idea how to grow past my self-doubt.

In the midst of my wrestling, I attended a chapel. The speaker shared about her own feelings of inadequacy in her leadership roles. Then she read Joshua 1:1-10. In this passage, she explained, Joshua was being called to lead the Jewish people after Moses’s death. Joshua was feeling that he was not right for the job because he knew that he would not be as strong of a leader as Moses. Then God spoke to him and said, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). As I heard these words, I knew that this message was for me. I knew that God was telling me that I could be strong and courageous too because he would be with me and HE would make me enough for the roles that he was calling me to. This encounter with God was the first step in my journey toward healing in my battle with self-doubt.

It took some time before I was ready to accept the courage offered to me by my Creator, but once I did my life changed. The first time that I accepted the gift of confidence was on a backpacking trip. I was assigned the position of head medic, a role I was not comfortable with. I felt much stress over being this but then I heard those words again, “Caleb, have I not commanded you to be strong and courageous? I will be with you in this role that you have been given.” In that moment I was able to say, “Ok God, I know that I am not enough but you are and if something happens that I can’t handle you will be there to make up for my weak points.” Instantly, the self-doubt and the stress melted away. I knew that my heavenly father would be with me. 

After I returned from that trip, I continued to practice trusting that if I was called to something then all I had to do was say, “Okay,” and God would be there to make up for my short comings. The more I put my life in God’s hands the more he used me and the more I was able to lead others. I was often in situations where I had opportunities to speak into other people’s lives, and I was able to do so not because I am wise but because I had learned to let God speak through me. When I am faced with situations in which I need to teach or lead large groups of people I often feel intimidated, but then I step back and remind myself that all I have to do is let God use me, then I open my mouth and words flow from me. Afterwards, I rarely know what I have said but I know that I got to be the mouth piece of God in that moment. I can also tell when I have become over-confident in my own abilities to lead because I start rambling and stammer over my words.

I have found so much freedom in taking the me out of my life and trusting that if I will say yes to the opportunities given to me by God that he will use me. I no longer have to trust in what I know. I have grown into a confident person, not with confidence in me but with confidence in God. I am far from perfect in practicing this type of surrender, but I have seen the effects of it and I know how great it truly is. My prayer is that I will say “yes” to what I am called to each day, and then that I will step back and let God work through me.