Questions

“How was school?” my mom asked every day as I walked in the door. She really wanted to know. “It was fine/good/okay,” I would reply. This was not a satisfying answer. She then would go to work unpacking what my short answer actually meant. My mother is likely the most curious person that I know. She asks questions all the time. Who is in this picture with you? What do you think of ________? What do you think about this topic? The questions go on and on.

In addition to asking me a lot of questions, she also encouraged me to ask my own questions, then to seek answers. If there was anything that I wanted to learn, she spent the time to help me find answers. Who was Robin Hood? What is the true story of Peter Pan? What were real pirates like? As these questions arose, off to the library we would go to get every book we could find. My mom spent countless hours studying to help me find answers, and in doing this taught me to research. As I got into middle school and high school, my external questions started to slow. I had less time to spend digesting the mountain of information that was now at my fingertips. I knew that if I asked a question it would lead to an extensive journey to find an answer. It was easier just not to ask. I wasn’t any less curious. I just kept my questions to myself.

When I got to college the world of questions re-emerged, but this time in a different form. As a timid sophomore on Messiah College’s student leadership Loft Team, I was expected to lead my first real debrief. I started asking questions with no real direction. As I listened to responses, more questions came up which led to more thoughts which, in turn, led to more questions. They flowed. The curiosity that my mother instilled in me was coming out. I quickly became known as a skilled debriefer. In my facilitations (team-building sessions with groups), when my co-leaders weren’t confident in their abilities, they would let me take the lead and ask the questions because they knew that I would ask the right thing at the right time.

As I progressed in my education, I learned that a debrief was just a facilitated processing time made up of three types of questions. The first type of question was the “what” question. During the “what” phase, the facilitator asks questions to help the group revisit specifically what happened during an experience. The second type of question that is asked is the “so what” question. This is when we start to go deeper and unpack what was happening under the surface of a group experience. We might explore roots of behaviors or where tendencies observed within groups originated. The third type of question is the “now what” question. This is when we start to come up with action steps to work toward growth. These questions often sound something like, “Moving forward, how might you work to listen better?” or, “Next time, how might you engage differently?”

In addition to developing a framework for question asking, I have picked up a few other tricks that prove invaluable tools in my toolbelt. The first lesson I have learned is that while I often have good questions to ask, God knows better. I have developed a reputation as a good question-asker, but I have only been able to do this because that is how God wired me and I often pray though my questions as I ask them. I pray to myself as I debrief with a group, and I typically pray when I find myself in significant conversations and I need to ask questions that lead to growth. When I teach new facilitators to lead debriefs, I include prayer as the most important piece to the process. The second skill that I have learned is how to use my curiosity that my mother taught me to my advantage. My questions are rooted in suspicions that I have and generally they lead to more questions. If I sense that a group member is feeling frustrated, and I observe that other people keep talking over him, I might ask about the frustration to see if my suspicion is correct. Allowing groups to answer this type of open-ended question often leads to more growth than would occur if I told them just what I had observed. The third skill I’ve developed is listening well. One of my greatest pet peeves is when someone asks a question, pauses for one, maybe two seconds, and moves on to something else. My mentor, Wendell Witter, a true master of question-asking, taught me to pause and count to seven slowly in my head after asking a question. He said that this gives people time to process. If at the end of this pause, no one is answering then maybe try clarifying the question. Listening should also include a severe lack of defensiveness when the answer to a question is less than desirable. Instead, a thoughtful response is generally helpful. Active listening principles such as nodding along and asking clarifying questions apply here too.

Questions not only lead to growth for me and for those I lead, they also have led to some of my best projects. Three years ago, I asked what might happen if we started an adventure-based gap year program. We now have our second Guide team at Camp Hebron. About four years ago, I asked myself how I could maintain my spiritual growth. That question led me to start this blog.  A few days ago, I asked myself, in response to some prompting from God, “What if I post a blog each week of 2024?” I’m not sure where this project will lead, but I am doing my best to be faithful and to answer the question that prompted it. I ask myself questions all the time. Some lead to big things, some to small, and others don’t go anywhere at all. But I ask anyway because I know my questions sometimes lead somewhere great.

What type of questions do you ask? Are they simple? Do you ask open-ended ones that take time and thought? Who are you asking questions of -- people you know well or those you are just starting to get to know? What I have found is that the most meaningful questions tend to be the ones that go deeper than a simple answer, the ones that lead to more questions and deeper responses. My challenge for you is to learn to ask this type of question in 2024. Ask them of yourself, and of those around you. Then allow yourself to follow your curiosity. You never know where it might lead.